It took me a couple of months to understand that all Twitter users are not the same and they don’t have the same agenda. It’s much more complicated than “pretentious kids talking about pretentious things.” In order for me to come up to light speed like I did, I created examples of the types of Twitter users, how they ordinarily tweet, and a suggested opener for each of them.

The Noob
“What the hell is this thing?” The Noob is logged on for less than three minutes and believes it’s all about useless information: “Durr! Durrr Hurrr Duuurrrr.” These individuals rapidly evolve to a different type of user or they leave Twitter when no one notices them. Their Motive: curiosity about the latest fad. Suggested opener: empathy.

The Marketer
“How far can I push the boundaries?” The Marketer juggles the idea of using Twitter as a marketing tool and charming people to forget that they are using Twitter as a marketing tool. Their Motive: awareness. Suggested Opener: observation.

The Whore
“What do I get out of it?” The Whore sees Twitter as a tool to get something from people while an obvious whore is oftentimes a delight. The neurotic ones are a pain to deal with but great in the sack. Their Motive: earning a buck off of followers. Suggested Opener: toleration.

The Adam Carolla
“What can't I complain about?” In spite of deducing this name from feminine effeminates, this is typically an aggravated man who begrudges people who create content. They can be comical in a “shock jock” sort of way, but their voice is greater than the fist, and the fist is greater than the insight. Their Motive: creating buzz by angry reactions. Suggested Opener: GET IT ON!!!.

The Expert
“What’s interesting in my career?” The Expert is a natural in the fields of science and technology such as chemistry, marketing, mathematics, or web design. If you’re in the same industry, following them is a long-term, rewarding, and rich investment. Their Motive: retweets and expert status. Suggested Opener: FOLLOW!.

The Guy in the Back
“You need some help?” The Guy in the Back types are unheard of and unique in their abilities. They keep a low profile until people really need help and then they become an all knowing GOD. They are unknown and rarely followed, but they save you time and effort when you want to know something random like the perfect design of a profile background. Their Motive: helping the world. Suggested Opener: DAAAaaawww!.

Now take a good look at yourself in the mirror: Why do you use Twitter? To make Twitter a perfect marketing tool, you need to combine The Marketer, The Expert, The Adam Carolla, and a hint of The Whore.